I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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