Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
