She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
