I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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