He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
