last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
