Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
