I think im going to throw up on grandma
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
