Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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