he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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