apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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