I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
