I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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