Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
