I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
