I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
