Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
