Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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