i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize