i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
