shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
