Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
