Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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