Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
