I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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