can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
