dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dignity is for republicans.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
