Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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