She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize