Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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