As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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