I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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