Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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