someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm too high and old for this...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
