You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
