So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
