did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
