So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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