You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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