youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
too bad you live with your parents still
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
pray to the hookup gods
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
