i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
