dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
