Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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