That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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