if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
