Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
