woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize