I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
