I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
