apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
