Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize