Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
