i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
