and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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