A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
