happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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